Kelly Can't Cook

Kelly's Cooking Adventures - Oct 28th

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 02:11:00 -0400

Decide to warm some garlic bread up in the microwave. Put butter knife in mouth to hold it while I put the 5lb tub of butter away. Promptly drop tub of butter all over the floor. Lunge at tub as it is falling, forgetting that all of the butter knives are actually dirty and I am instead holding a steak knife in mouth. Knife shifts and slices tongue.
Decide to take a small break and eat my garlic bread.
Ten minutes later realize that before getting garlic bread I had put some little smokeys on the stove to boil. Run into kitchen and grab pot, which has boiled most of the water out of it and burnt the sausages to the bottom. Hurriedly pour out what little water is left into strainer, letting go of one side of the pot’s handles to move faucet out of the way. Pot swings sideways into side of arm leaving a burn and nice welt.
Give up on food and retreat to room for soda and sour gummy worms. You win this round, kitchen! *shakes fist*

Kelly's Adventures in Cooking: Jell-O

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 02:15:08 -0500

(I posted this on my other tumblr, but here makes more sense for it. Copy/pasted)

So I figured it has been a while since I last tried to actually “cook” anything. Most of my friends know what this means. I bought some garlic bread from the store that you just have to throw in the oven for a bit and managed to find a box of instant Jello in the cupboard. Impossible to fuck that up, right? Well challenge accepted! The bread actually went just fine, threw it in there for about 15 min and it was good to go (ignoring the fact that I left the oven on for another half hour or so before walking by and the heat reminded me it was on).

Then came the Jello itself. Boil some water and stir, then add some cold water and let set. So I boil some water on the stove, pour it into a bowl, and a friend drops by to pick something up. We talk for a few minutes and she leaves so I go back and add the powdered Jello mix. Oops, the water appears to have cooled enough that the mix isn’t dissolving. I guess I need to boil some more water. And my roommate informs me I left the burner on when I was finished with that pot and he turned it off. So I turn the burner back on and OH SHINY my roommate is playing video games. He finishes his match and goes into the kitchen. I hear, “What’s with all this smoke?” and I just think, “Huh that’s strange…”

I go into the kitchen to find that the burner I turned on and forgot about (again) was the one that I managed to toss the empty cardboard Jello box on. It is now an ashen shell and the air in the kitchen burns to breath. On the plus it looked really cool as the burner was red hot and the box somehow retained it’s shape. But yeah… After we opened some doors and let the house vent for a while I proceeded to fill the pot with water and put it on the burner and let it boil. I added it to the Jello and look at that, it had already started to solidify. So after some vigorous stirring to get the congealed powder to dissolve and it looks good enough I add a bit of cold water and toss it in the fridge. I’m not sure how much water I added or was supposed to add because that was on the box. The box that is now a pile of ash under the burner. Which I will probably need to clean up at some point. So yeah, let’s see how this turns out…

Edit: It appears I left the fork I was using in the bowl of Jello. Well it’s stuck in there now…

Maybe a master post of general fails would be useful.

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 01:44:05 -0500

Things I seem to do a lot:

Boil little smokeys and forget about them until the water is gone and they are charred to the bottom of the pot. (Three times in recent memory.)
Leave the oven on when trying to make pizza. (Has happened 4 times with the last 3 pizzas I’ve tried to make.)
Leave the burner on for hours/turn the wrong burner on and not realize it.
tbc. as I remember/things happen

So I seem to fail at cooking. A lot. My friends try to stop me, but people need food to survive. Or so I'm told. I decided I'm going to make this to catalogue my failures so I dont forget them. I hope you don't use these to testify against me in court. I will be sad.

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 01:37:00 -0500